I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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