my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
