my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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