I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
