If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
