Soap is not a condiment
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
