That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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