Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
