if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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