Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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