You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
