Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
