Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
