wakey wakey hands off snakey
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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