i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
my liver is dry heaving
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
