haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
