eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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