i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
