Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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