I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
