i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
