Plan B is the new Plan A
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
