Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
