turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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