Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
