Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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