you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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