Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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