I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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