so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
