drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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