This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
