Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
