First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
