in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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