i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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