"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
