The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
