My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
