Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
only you would photoshop your dick
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
