you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
