i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
