I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
