my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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