if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
