Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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