I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
