Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
this is an emotional support booty call
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
