I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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