She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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